"Now, you could have a spear wound in your groin and be. . . not up for it, as it were." -on sex in wartime
"Now remember, women don't have genetalia."
"I am stupid!" -impersonating Agamemnon
"You are so uncool." -on what happens in the afterworld if you don't have a great funneral
"There's been no children eaten, but there's been a lot of really bad sex!" -on Mourning Becomes Electra
"Now. What about the penis problem?"
"He's a very clutchy god. He doesn't let go." -on Hades
"Euripides- he's a card!"
"Your brother is you, but with a dick!" -on Antigone
"There's nothing better than a dead child." -on Iphigeneia
"Keep your guard up when your pants are down!"
"She's that special kind of virgin who can beat the shit out of your enemies!" -on Athene
"They really bounce!" -on sheep
"Hey you bastard! You're a bastard!" -on Oedipus
"Kill off your parents. Then they'll never threaten you again." -on Polybus and Merope
"This is not rape by Clarabell the Clown! This is rape by Heracles!"
"You have this miracle freak- the Virgin Mary. . . "
"He's a kind of man-penis!" -on Heracles
"No one can come through that door and try to stop me- I got tenure!" -on class running overtime
"God. Hates. You." -on Philoctetes
"I like that story. It makes me think of little baby Zeus!"
"Is there a god of assholes?"
"What's going on? Is Elijah here?" -on having an extra chair at the table
"Hamlet is like conference work."
"I'm a middle class shit! I drive a Toyota! I like to put in a CD and go home and have a little drinky. . . "
"He'll steal your opera and try to fuck you." -on Brecht
"Creon the asshole?"
There you have it. I'm sure more will be coming in the future.